I have felt like a yo-yo this week. One minute my emotions are up then next I am down. I can’t seem to find a steady pace. This yo-yoing is driving me crazy and I am sure the people around me. I feel like a person lost on a very angry sea. Up and down, up and down… CRASH… up….CRASH….down. It’s Friday and I am now feeling the “sea” sickness come on. I am really full of anxiety. I am worried someone is mad at me or I worry I offended another person. I get told that I am loved and so happy I am a friend. Why am I so worried about personal relationships? Could this be me trying to be perfect? Could I possibly be trying to be someone I am not?
I have a hard time surrendering things to God. I have a hard time remembering to pray and ask Him to take the challenges I am dealing with. It’s hard to remember that He can help me do anything. Our world is so focused on “us” doing it all that we forget that He can and should be in control. I am really struggling with figuring out how to make my life work in some sort of routine. I can create the coolest looking schedule and that is about it. I can make it, I can’t follow it. I am wondering if I need to try and pair down my to-do list everyday to just a few items, maybe just following a list with a few things on it instead of a schedule? I need some kind of structure just not sure exactly what kind. I do not have answers today. I am just pouring my heart out into the void hoping some other soul will relate…
When I am trying to meet others expectations I open the door for anxiety. I really want to live life free as a bird and no cares in the world… hmmm that’s just not me. I feel as though I am in a constant battle for perfection. I have a tidy house, write a blog, lead a few groups, do a lot of activities, and enjoy figuring out fun outfits for my kids and I to wear. For some reason those things seem to make me look like a super mom? I think some people really think I have it all together and wonder how I do it. I hate that stigma that’s placed on me. I feel as though I am constantly trying to fight perfection because others think I am. The more I dig deep the more I realize that the perfection I am really trying to fight is the one that goes against my nature. Sometimes it really hurts my feelings that someone will walk into my life and say “you really have it all together” your house is so clean, your kids are so cute, blah blah blah. I feel as thought I am being put down for being me. It’s not the comment that hurts my feelings, its the way it’s being said. As if I am bad for having some cosmetic things looking nice? I do not crave those comments. I do not get a cute outfit for my kids to get comments about them. I have those outfits for my kids because I had fun picking it out and they enjoy it too, they haven’t told me otherwise. I keep my house tidy because I do not know any other way. I was raised in a tidy house and it is a comfort to me. I used to “blame” my mom for my clean house. Seriously! I was blaming someone for having a clean house! WHAT?!! Instead of blaming my amazing Mom I need to say thank you! She was doing what she knew how for comforting her and her family. Why should I blame her for that?
I am not perfect! As you can see from the picture above, my house is not perfect and there are messes. Piles that happen and they are left for days, weeks sometimes months before gotten too (the weeks and months have gotten less with THCI) my kids rooms are typically always strewn with clothes or toys and I allow for that, it’s their space. I am scatterbrained, unable to focus most of the time, my grammar and spelling suck, I have 30lbs at least to lose, I get crabby at my kids, hate doing laundry, follow a meal plan 75% of the time, spend to much money, worry that my friends do not like me…
Yesterday a dear friend of mine and I were chatting about this whole perfect thing and the judgment of others. She had a cute way of putting it into words. “Everyone has a dirty toilet somewhere in their lives” she was not meaning literal dirty toilet, although there are a few of those too. She was saying that she is sick of others trying to pretend that their life is perfect and they have it all together when she knows somewhere in their life there is something that is out of whack, and it’s OKAY! We do not have to lie to ourselves or others about our life being un-perfect. There is no person in the world, even Martha Stewart herself who’s life is just peachy all the time, 100% of the time. We do not live in that world.
I am going to try to bring all of these thoughts together now. Wish me luck. First we have established the fact that NOBODY is perfect. The frustrating thing is when someone is obviously trying to be that way, it is frustrating because when you are around them you are feeling judged. It makes you feel things about your life that you did not want to feel and you start to second guess yourself. You wonder if you should be doing more. When facing a person who pretends to be perfect you start to wonder where you are falling short. I believe the most heart breaking part about being around a person who appears to have “it all together” is when you start to question yourself, “How do they do it all and how come I can’t?”
Second, it’s okay if someone’s house is tidy and your is not. It does not mean that they think your house should be! I just HAVE to put this out there. A person can have the cleanest house in the universe and not have an attitude that they are perfect and have it all together. A person can have the messiest house in the universe and they can act like their life is perfect and they are better then others. Please world STOP judging people by the way things appear! I hate being judged by my tidy house and outfits. I do not have it all together and never said I did. That mom by the way that drives you crazy because she does act like she is perfect, is hurting somewhere inside. She is intimidated by you. She is so insecure that she has to make it look like things are perfect so maybe someone will REALLY genuinely love her. Sad isn’t it…
I have been trying so hard to make excuse for the things that bring me comfort and joy. I have actually been trying to be perfect by trying to apologize for something that is me. I am currently trying to wrap my head around that thought and figure out how to explain it. I believe that when you are just being yourself then you are not trying to be “perfect” . There is nothing perfect about just being you. So when I am trying to be someone I am not just so others will stop thinking I am perfect, then I am trying to be perfect. Does that make sense? Just because the magazines, books, TV, USA culture says a tidy house and a cute outfit make a person “perfect” does not mean that the people with a tidy house and cute outfit think they are! I guess the biggest point I am trying to make is QUIT JUDGING!!!
If you feed your family non-organic and your friend feeds her family organic it doesn’t mean she thinks you’re an awful person. If you feed your family organic and your friend feeds her family non-organic it doesn’t mean she’s an awful person! If your house is spotless and your friends house is a mess it doesn’t mean they are an awful person! If your house is a mess and your friends house is spotless it doesn’t mean they are an awful person! If you are always dressed cute and your friend is always in sweatpants, it doesn’t make them an awful person! If your always in your sweatpants and your friend is always dressed cute, it doesn’t make them an awful person! If your friend is a working mom and you are a stay at home mom, it doesn’t make them an awful person! If your friend is a stay at home mom and you are a working mom it doesn’t make them an awful person! If you chose to homeschool and your friends sends their kids to school it does not make them awful people. If you send your kids to school and your friends homeschool their kids, it doesn’t make them awful people! If your neighbor has the newest car and you drive a piece of junk it doesn’t make them an awful person! If you drive the newest car and your neighbor drives a piece of junk it doesn’t make them an awful person! If you have a very successful career and your friend is unemployed it doesn’t make them an awful person! If you’re unemployed and your friend has a very successful career it doesn’t make them an awful person!
Did I make my point yet? STOP trying to be who you think others think you should be. Stop judging others for what they have and do. We are all just visitors here on earth trying to make our way and survive. We are all trying to make things work with the knowledge and tools we know how. We can rely on God to help us figure out the problems in our life. We can stop thinking others “have it all” and quit comparing ourselves to them. We can live a life of harmony, we can. We just have to try. Stop trying to be perfect, stop judging others who you think are “perfect.” It waists a lot of energy.
Soooo…. That is how I am feeling this week. I am striving to be un-perfect and striving to be me. I am trying to relate and trying to learn to stop apologizing for being me. I am who I am. You are who you are. We can just be. This post was named Soul Purdge for a very good reason, it was freeing to get it out of my head, was a bit muddled, touching on so many different points, ideas and thoughts. My mind is clear and my soul feels better. I am over it now and sending it into the deep sea of internet.
God Bless, Mae